Tips: Emotional stability

Took a  real long time to write this one. As it was one of the most requested post and I couldn't write about something that I didn't it do myself. Not just from reading books on emotional stability but also applying them and seeing how many worked while how many did not. Jumping from one option to another here are a few ones that were of immense help to me. When everyone and everything outside seems dark, negative, sad. It is just gesturing to the feeling we have garnered inside. Apart from having  friends, who can listen to you repeat the same lines almost thousand times, for they know you just need to be heard right now and family who always stand strong for you. Here are a few tips that showed results, I hope it works for you as well.

1. Realize:

We cannot control what people do to us. They will treat us according to their level of understanding of matters but we definitely can control how we react to them when they don't act according to the way we think. We cannot give someone our rigid frame of their identity and tell them who they are. The more we want them to be the way we think is perfect for them we lose our own peace of mind and invite more and more pain. Realize we are different people, born under different signs, raised in a different environment. Changes are inevitable, but when you love and appreciate them, they surely will try to bring the better version of themselves out. It is time we realize we cannot make everybody happy. 

2. Let go:

Today, sit back all by yourself and say "sorry" to yourself. For you know the pain that you are in is because you are the one who is causing all the pain that you are in right now. This pain is much more than that of what people gave you either by hurting you, cheating you, lying to you or abusing you. The pain is because you are not being able to let go, you are still holding on to the memory of the pain. Today and right now please close your eyes and think of everyone who you think was unjust to you, who you think have hurt you and say I forgive you. Let them go from the memory. Everybody had a reason to be there in your life at that moment of time to teach you something. The longer you hold on to the grudges the longer you will be in pain. Forgive them and forgive yourself too. I remember a day when I was walking with my friends holding a balloon as it makes me happy, but some how it slipped from my hand as I looked at it I said I am letting go. Letting go of everything that is making me sad, letting go that is hurting me and I smiled, so genuinely. Try it once I bet it will be of help to you.

3. Accept:

Accept that you are worthy of all the good things and people that you think of. You have to love yourself before you go there and wait for someone to love you. See you cannot wait for someone to come and make you happy. If you cannot make yourself happy trust me there will be no one who can. No matter how hard they try you will not be satisfied. You will be like the empty leaking cup no matter how hard we try we won't be able to fill it. You are an amazing being. You don't have to run after people to show what your worth is. Stop bending so much for people. No matter how much you do for people they will only remember the time you said no, the time you hurt them. Will you only feel beautiful when somebody says you are beautiful?  Will you feel good for that certain moment when you were complimented and feel low about yourself the rest of the time? Why? Why don't you feel comfortable in your own skin? Why do you love yourself by looking through someone else's eyes? Dear one, you are amazing the way you are. Every little thing has a purpose. You are an awesome creation of God why do you keep forgetting there are things only you can do to make this world a better place? You cannot give what you don't have. If there is no love inside you what will you give to others? If you are full and overflowing you can fill the other empty one.

4. Attachments:

It hurts because it mattered at a certain time. We are social beings and we create attachments over time but when they don't work the way we think they should we usually start creating walls, or deep pits thinking to keep our little self safe but unknowingly what we end up doing is just isolating ourselves. We keep our walls so high that even we cannot break it even when we want to. We usually get hurt when we expect the other one to understand, act according our thoughts, read minds but isn't it unfair? You two are two different beings. Instead of dropping hints just let the other one know what you are actually thinking, what you want them to do. Many a times the other has no clue what is even bothering you as different people have different perspectives.

5. Communicate:

Before communicating with someone else sit back and communicate with yourself.
Your likes, your dislikes, where you can adjust where you cannot, what are the boundaries, what is it that you are looking for, what makes you happy, your ideals etc when you don't know yourself well how can you expect someone else to understand you. Instead of making stories about someone in your head, waiting for them to read your mind, go ahead put aside your guards and communicate but also look for the response and decide what is to be done next. 

6. Mental Notes:

This is my personal favorite. We feel low sometimes, we are humans and we have feelings so it is normal  but that doesn't mean you can stay hurt or sad for a week or so. I usually respond my opposite thought to my brain for example if something is irritating me I say this is calming me down and I smile. Even as I am writing this down there is a great chaos going outside my room, dogs barking on top of their voices had it been before I would have already gone out, showed my anger and come back more frustrated but these mental notes that I passed on to my brain these sounds don't bother me as much as it would have. Even the phase of being a teacher has soften me down where I usually would have been angry I just look at the other and think they are way to young to think at my level and I smile even when I have issues with my colleagues I look at them and pass on a mental note saying they are different beings to be thinking like me and out of no where I smile. People will hurt you, they aren't you but if you keep thinking about it day after day who is going to be at loss? My dear it is you. Let them be, forgive them like I already said you have no control over the other, but you can control on how you react. We usually blame the situation, the other person or anything else for justifying our action but reacting to it was your choice, solely yours. At moments at such what is inside us comes out, if it is anger, hatred, negativity or love, compassion, forgiveness. Whenever a situation comes where your inner peace is at stake be strong enough to walk out of it, no matter who is in front.

7. Keep aside fears:

First know that whatever is coming you have your own back, put the faith in yourself before you want someone to put the faith in you. Trust yourself, love yourself, stand for yourself before you want someone else to do it. Imagine how many problems you went through and came out stronger of it. You will always be there for yourself, so don't worry what will the other say, what will the other think sometimes people don't even see you, even if they do what can you do about the thoughts in their head? Nothing, don't be afraid to do what you want to even if there are people saying it otherwise. Go, for it. You never know that might be your true calling. Go face your fears. I know easy said than done but before writing it for you all I actually  went and faced a few of my own fears. Hospital being one of it, but I know now my fear was what was keeping me captive. It has weaken its hold over me.

8. Meditate:

I am still in the learning process but this has helped me a lot. I couldn't keep calm when the thoughts were running wild, but slowly it wasn't about the complete silence rather observing my own thoughts and why trying to understand why were they there. Guided meditation always helps if you are a beginner.

9. What you eat:

This has affected me a lot. What we eat also has a lot to do with how we feel and who we eat with also  makes a difference. No matter where the food has come from if it is in front of you, send your positive vibration by either saying a short prayer or thanking the ones whose efforts you didn't see.What you take in also affects us in ways we don't see.

10. Books and Music:

Motivational books have actually helped me a lot. A few books were suggested by my friends and all of them were pretty much amazing. Books on healing, books on stability, acceptance, looking at the bright side, managing ones income, and about people who made the most of the wrong situations and came out of  it shining. Soothing music, like the ones we use as background music while meditating can be listened to, to calm you down.

Tips: Importance of positive self image

The world we live in today has so much of its influence on us. A world where we have to try to fit in, a world that has segregated us in so many levels. Being watched from different corners , judged by strangers and what not. As we move into every new day we become less of a human. Wondering why I said so? Every day you become someone who criticises rather than support, you hate rather than love, you see but you do not observe, you are present yet feel no connection, you are here but not here at the same moment and I can go on.
Now in such a state of crisis we forget to look at ourselves from our own point of view. With both positive and negative aspect of self image, we feed ourselves on the negative ones to an extent that we suffocate and die as a human or end up sharing similarities with the machines.
Here are a few tips on importance of having a self image. 

1. Love:
You cannot expect somebody to come love you and not do it yourself, all you will end up is with failed relationships. The first person who needs to love you is you. Until and unless you learn to appreciate the way you are, feel comfortable in your own skin, feel that you are unique every little word that comes from the outside is going to shake your faith on yourself when the inside isn't strong.

2. Worth:

You are worth everything, all the battles that you have fought, the unseen scars, the visible mark, every little flaw, all the failures is what has made you what you are today. There will always be someone who will find faults in you, will stand there to criticise, to judge but know there opinion about you isn't going to make any difference in your life but your opinion about you will definitely make a huge impact. 

3. Protective guard:
When you have a positive self image, it automatically works as a protective guard which will keep away all the negativity coming from the outside rather attract more happy people, kind and loving people in his/her life.

4. Influence:
A person who knows his/her own worth will never do something that they don't want somebody to do it to them. They always are a positive influence on themselves as well as the others around them. They always have kind words, appreciation and encouragement for self and the others.

5. Segregate:
 When the world is segregating you in every way possible, you also need to do the same. Segregate what you take into consideration, there are negative words sugar coated in positive ones, there are words that looks ugly on the outside but is really beautiful on the inside, not everything society says is true, not every comment has to be replied. Segregate what you need and move ahead with it leaving the rest where they are supposed to be. Learn to say NO when required. You cannot make everyone happy but it is up to you to keep yourself happy. 

Tips : Don't know what's next?

Hello, everyone. Wishing my lovely
readers a very happy new year. My today's post will be about us, yes you and me. As we grow we usually come to a situation where we are like; now what, what next?
Trust me I only applied to one institute unlike my friends who had options while I had plans. Graduation-Masters-M-phill- PhD. Well life had other plans. I didnot get into M-phil, I am kind of a person who had planned my life not just professional rather personal too. I exactly knew what I wanted but everything changed over night and suddenly I had no plans. This broke me down to pieces. What scared me more was not having a clue where to begin. My mother, brother, sister-in-law these three pillars stood strong for me almost everytime I went weak. But this became more of my battle with myself.
I totally hate changes but here I didnot even know who I was. So if you are in a phase like this here it is why its totally okay to have no plans.

1. Experiment:

When we plan, like I did we stick to our comfort zone. Not trying to come out of it. We know what we want and stay satisfied with whatever the outcome is but when we don't know what to do next we usually experiment with everything that comes our way. Sometimes it is so much fruitful than our planned life. This will make you more open to learning. When you are open to learning, you open up an interest in a whole new environment too. Only with experimentation we find what we really need rather than want in our life.

2. Choice:

This phase may look like the dark night not willing to pass but realise it eventually will and it has to. Giving up at this point will only stop you from realising the true potential that you have. Remember some closed doors are to be knocked and some are to be broken. No matter how much people support or they don't, it is you that need to stand strong and have faith in yourself. It may be like a phase where you are stuck in the middle of the ocean in a raft, see you can stay there do nothing and die or make the most of the situation, learn to swim, come to land and win gold in Olympic. Every situation comes only to sharpen you. Now it is upto you how much you can take and what you make of it. You should consider yourself one of the millions going through the same phase not like you are the only one.

3. Savings: 

Well I know I am old enough to be looking out for myself yet I am being taken care by my brother financially but not everyone can be blessed the way I am so this is where you should learn and also pass the knowledge about importance of saving for the rainy day. I know my brother has struggled enough to keep me safe from all the struggle he endured but the best thing he passed on to me was importance of saving. After this phase there is something better waiting for you and you are only moving forward with an experience. You should know it is never late and you never are too old to start saving.

4. Understanding:

Understand yourself, what you are passionate about. You need not conform to what society wants from you or what your family wants from you if you do all you will be is a sad human who complains about his/her work. When you work for your passion, you never work a day as you enjoy doing what you do. Not having a clear set goals can actually help you reach there. Not every time what we think is right for us is right and sometimes with all the experience you become more adamant about what is right for you and now you also know why.

5. Present moments:

Sometimes with everything planned we forget to live the present moment. For me it started when almost every plans that I had made for my life came crumbling down in front of my eyes that I couldn't put myself  back together and start planning again, to be honest I was too scared to do so. So for the time being I thought I was escaping only to realise that I was more aware of my present environment, of my family's support, my true friends and moments which I was taking granted for a long time.

Tips: Be the Ideal Couple

Hello everyone, Thank you all for the amazing number of views on my previous post. Welcome back again and today I am going to write about how you can be the ideal couple, the power-packed couple. Though you all know what I write is my personal or someone very close to me and their experiences. So this time it is the lessons I learnt from my super brother and my amazing girlfriend; my sister-in-law. It is personal to me and in times like ours where relationship end and begin at the speed of 4g I hope this will actually help you too to become the ideal couple, the couple who adds on to your beautiful dream of love even more sparks, the kind of couple you would want some advice from on your matters like I do from them. Respect, love, honesty, communication are the keypoints which I have already discussed on my another post so without repeating them which you can find in the following link ( Have a strong relationship ) I want to add on the new ones.

1. Correction is done in private:

We all are humans, and making mistakes are very common but being corrected in front of bunch of people will only being the self esteem of your partner down, at the particular moment and also the next time they see the people in front of whom they were corrected/scolded. So next time come back home and talk about it. Instead of blowing up you can try save her/him in front of the people and tell them what is supposed to be done the next time if such situations arises.

2. Keep your fights private:

Yes, your fights are your fights. Keep them to yourselves. It is you two who has to come to a convenient solution that works for both of you. Remember you two are two different individuals, just because you love each other doesn't mean you have to be a copy version of them, learn to disagree without the fight. Not everything you know is wrong may be wrong from the other's point of view. When both of you think are correct, let the other one talk first. This will give time for you to think and have a good point of view of their ideas and things get calmer when one of you does the talking rather then both at the same time. If you want to be treated like the ideal couple behave like one in the first place. 

3. Belittling the other:

When you fight and make your fights public chances arise that you talk a bunch of wrong things about your partner. Yes, you usually consider it normal when you are angry but you make up soon and are in love again but the images that you left behind when you were angry will remain imprinted in your friend's mind leaving them to disrespect you and your partner secretly. Well, if you don't want this to happen don't talk bad about them even when you are angry.

4. Priorities:

The moment she is yours or he is yours. We slack in putting the efforts that we did when we were pursuing them. But a real couple know that this person means the most and rather then expecting them to understand you show them that they mean everything to you. Just a short message or a call once in a while within the day makes them know that even when you are busy you are making time for them. Love has to be shown, little gestures of coming back home with their favorite flower or may be something that they were wanting for a long time.
You, may think you aren't the kind of partner who shows love but do love so be careful when someone actually comes along and shows your partner love and also does love. Keep them like they are the only one in the whole world and you cannot afford to lose them.

5. Look out for them:

When you truly love this one person, you give in to all their tantrums and still smile because you know the happy they are; the happier you become. Letting the other one be who they are and not forcing your ideas of life on them will bring the real person out in them and with total acceptance comes out true feelings. You are always there looking out for chances trying to make it easier for them. And you get back double what you give and all you want to give them is love. Not every day is going to be great for them be a good listener when they need. Sometimes just listening without being biased solves most of the issue. Help them fulfill their dreams that they have for themselves. Help them with short  term or long term goals. Appreciate the efforts they put in for you. There are times that you will never know when the other one is actually going out of their way for you. 

Relationship is like the tire of bicycle you need to move together in order to reach the destination. Just like we have a common saying you need both hands to clap or else one hand can only do one thing that is slap. You both are writing a story on a page of life in order to turn the page you need to complete writing together or wait for the other to finish writing.
Suggestions and criticism  are always welcomed with an open heart.

Tips: How to save money

Thinking of saving money? But all you end up is being broke by the last week of  the month? Saving from pocket money can be difficult at times (not everybody is lucky as me) but when you start earning for the first time you usually don't know how to manage the money that is coming in, as complained by most of my working mates. Instead of saving they enter in debt no matter how much they earn owing to the factors that they are usually expected to pay the bills every time, now that they are earning. When it comes to saving the sooner you start the better, it makes you financially stable and that thing earns so much of respect this days, yes I do mean the money thing. I know this took me a little longer to write because I absolutely cannot write something that I haven't tried myself. So basically it was a good start for me. I hope these tips will be helpful to you all too (especially the ones who have requested it)

 1. Divide and use:
No, not divide and rule rather divide and use. When you get your pocket money, your salary or any mode of income of money, divide it into two parts, going for 50-50 wouldn't be easier at first so go for 70-30. Save the 30 and try to manage within the range of 70. While saving, it would be easier if you have two bank accounts. So that you save in one and use from another. Every month you keep adding little to the saving account and soon you will start seeing the difference.

2. Piggy Bank:
Oh, you are never old for the piggy bank. It surely will come handy when you start collecting your pennies and cash. The bucket is filled by the droplets of water just like the piggy bank will with the coins and when accumulated can actually make a difference. What I am doing is I usually come back with change in my hand after buying something or change from the vehicle fare I put them away in the piggy bank, I would have done something or bought something with the change. Most of the time we do not even know where all the change vanishes, seriously like poof and gone but it is time you know where to put it before it gets lost the next time around. So it doesn't matter to us if we use it or if we save it for the current instance but saving can help you later on.

3. Need versus want:
I have controlled all my binge shopping but yet I find it is taking me longer than expected to control what I want to eat and what I need to eat. The moment you look at those shiny pair of heels that are worth every penny you have but you are sure all they will do is add on some aesthetic to your collection and never be worn, girl that is where you need to say "NO", for that is your want and not your need. Most of the time what we want are not even needed. So question yourself before buying anything, and when I say anything I do include all the items on the sale. Buy it if you need it. Best way could be making the list before heading out to buy items, or wish-listing the products; for many times we want things but wish-listing gives you idea if you need it or not. For if it is not needed you often forget about it after wish-listing it.

4. Extravaganza:
Yes, your first salary it is indeed a party time with family and friends that is fine for once in a while but cutting up small habits like reserving a vehicle rather than sharing, opting for vehicle for walk able distance, Coffee on the go, eating out every day, movies in the movie hall can actually save you a lot. Carrying your home made lunch is not just good for saving money but also for your health. Making your own coffee can save you time as well as money. You don't have to wait for your order to get ready and the best part is you can have it the way you like(well I like it extra dark). Wait for couple of days the movies that you watch paying 300 to 500(including what you eat in there) will be streaming in television or YouTube very soon. I prefer walking to vehicles as they give you some self time, good for health. Ever planned a home party? yes, the next time you are expected to give the treat you can opt for a home party, you will be saving couple of thousands if your gang is big and if they love drinking but make sure you get the permission from the house owner before you plan the party.

5. Motivation:

Having some kind of motivation to save actually helps a lot. When you have a general idea what you want to save for. You put in more efforts towards saving. Next time when you want something don't buy it then and there come home start saving for it. When you actually save up the needed amount you can change the thought or stick to what you were going to buy. Saving for travel has always helped me save money these days.

6. Splitting:

This I learnt the hard way because my brother looks after me and he has kept me financially stable so I pay for what I eat, so to prevent people paying for me I ended paying for them too, like my friends are expected to pay because they earn now. I simply started saying we will split the bill before ordering and a good friend will happily accept. This will save you enough for your another day lunch. 

I promise to add on some more when I figure it out, I welcome all your suggestions on how you save money. Thank you for all the support and the ideas that you want me to work on. I soon will write on it too.

Thankyou #Reader21 for your awesome suggestion of personalised gifts. I soon will give it a try. As she has suggested that catually making a gift for someone can also save money. Though this may save money but what you are investing for example your time and your love is so much more if the reciever sees it. 

Thakyou # Meenakshi for your suggestion of actually buying things online and during sales also helps you to save a couple of hundreds.

suggestions are always welcome. Do leave a feedback. Thankyou

Tips: Differentiate between being lonely and being alone

Growing up in an era where your number of followers in social media matters more than the numbers of friends that you have in real to rely, we usually forget to differentiate the difference between being lonely and being alone. There can be thousands of that you are alone but not lonely and lonely but not alone. Differentiating it verbally would be like lonely; having no friends, alone; on one's own. So most of the time we need people to actually be around us, to agree to what we have to talk about or may be just be there so that you don't look out of the place. Here are a few things that could help you see whether you are alone or lonely.

1. Feeling:

Sometimes the number of friends that you have doesn't matter when you feel like you do not belong there. You silently stay there sip your extra dark coffee and want to be present but you just cannot get the feeling of belongingness rather your mind is drifting away somewhere, girl you are feeling lonely. No, number of people around you just don't matter but there you are sipping the same extra dark coffee and enjoying the scenic beauty or may be just  in the busy cafe all by yourself and you are content then this is definitely you being alone and not lonely

2. Perception:

Not everybody who is sitting there all by themselves are lonely. So, before you want someone to perceive you as alone and not lonely. You need to change your own thoughts. 

3. Benefits:

Benefits of being alone is that you will feel like pressing the refresh/restart button of you life. Whatever circumstances life was throwing at you that drained all the energy out of you can be replenished with just some self time by being alone, by being with yourself. About benefits of being lonely is you know who your real friends are, because good friends will let you be alone but never lonely likewise with partners in relationship they will and they should let you have some "Me" time but shouldn't actually make you feel like you don't belong there. Just know you shouldn't be there where you don't feel like you belong.

4. Take control:

God created you, the perfect piece of art and gave you the ability to take control of your life. I won't tell that life will not have lonely moments but it is always up to you to turn it to alone moments where you enjoy the moment with yourself. This took a little while for me to realise but it is definitely worth the time. The more you concentrate on being happy with yourself, your surroundings the less lonely moments pop up in your life. Always look at the brighter side of the things and yes take control and enjoy.

5. Learn:

Learn what are the triggering points that pulls you down to the lonely zone. Learn to change the thoughts. Your brain is a wild horse running in the forest fire it will keep running anywhere it wants to and may be get caught in the fire and die but you be the leader take care and control of it this way you can make it out of the fire in no time. Learn and meditate ( Youtube has all the solutions) one thought can change everything so accept yourself and enjoy being alone.

Tips: Beauty products boon or a curse?

The world is being taken with a storm by beauty products. From the day a baby is born he/she is gifted with lotions, creams, body oils that only adds up to new creams and body lotion, cream that works on your pimples, facewash that makes you fairer, something that tones your uneven colour as you grow to your teenage phase. To an age of 25 where your first wrinkle is targeted and you are provided with magical touch of the creams. No that doesn't stop there it goes on and on, stronger and stronger. The insecurity of a woman/man is so well utilised by these product makers. But one cannot totally deny the benefit of the beauty products to so many people who have suffered skin problems or someone with birthmark in visible areas. These product as we can see now(trending all over the social media) really have ability to change the way you look and how people perceive about you. Here are a few ideas that can make you think twice about beauty products that you use.

1. Confidence:

According to my survey 9 out of 10 women said they feel confident when they are wearing makeup and would think twice before stepping out without make up. So should I say the confidence they have garnered is not a real one? May be that is why she excuses herself several times to go and do her touch up. But why is it hard to realise that she is still the same person with or without the layers of creams and powder? Why is it hard to be confident in your own skin? Why do people usually forget that beauty products usually enhances the beauty in you, the beauty that is already there. So the confidence in yourself should be based on you, not on the products that you use.

2. Compliments:

'You look amazing.
Oh thanks there is this new product I am trying' usually is the conversation that happens between two girls/ladies/women. When they compliment we take it  as a compliment for our makeup, it could generally be a compliment for how well you have dressed up, or how well you are carrying yourself today, why is it hard for us to take compliments? We all are worth it. When was the last time you complimented someone who wasn't wearing makeup? When was the last time you made somebody feel good in their own skin? 

3. Is more better?

Starting from the most basic products to accumulating anything that is being advertised about. Almost everyone is somewhere guilty of it, even I am after all I too am in the same race as you are in. Layers after layers makes us feel secure, confident,beautiful. But aren't we to be blamed for it too. Just one day stop judging and stop worrying about being judged. Lets get back to 'the lesser the better'.

4. Beautiful lie:

4 out of those 10 women said coming back and removing their makeup is the best part of the day, as they can be more of themselves than just a beautiful lie. Somewhere enhancing our beauty has taken a totally new level of trying to be something we aren't. Even the application creators know the underlying insecurities that they have created apps that makes you look totally different. Why is it hard to accept ourselves the way we are? Afraid of being critisised all you need to do is 'stop critisising' someone.

5. Rise by lifting others:

Do you know you don't rise by stepping on someones shoulder? So girl stop doing that. The day you will see beauty in others will be the day you feel beautiful about yourself too. You don't need tons of makeup to feel beautiful when you already are  beautiful. Beauty cannot be defined, or put into box for you to fit in. Everything is beautiful as everyone of you is.

Tips: Know what it takes to love someone who has a broken heart

If you are someone who has thought of loving the one who has a broken heart. Let me appreciate you first, as far as I have seen, it takes a very strong man/woman to do what you are thinking of. Not everyone is strong enough to do it. It can even break you down because what the other person is going through is an emotional break down and it doesn't necessarily have to be someone with a failed relation, there are other circumstances for example parents divorce, death of someone very important, career crisis, failed marriage anything that takes away ones faith from love, humanity or even self. Here are the basic things you need to understand if you want to stick to what you have thought.

1. Negativity:

This phase may be outcome of above stated circumstances or anything else that led to him/her to this. The person is engulfed in negative aura and will engulf anyone who comes near. You need to buckle up your boots to not add on to the negativity by blaming them, or telling them that it is their fault, or telling them what they should have done. You need to understand that even you have to look forward in order to make them think differently rather then being stuck in what could have been done, what must be done now is more important. Take your daily dose of positivity and carry some extra for them too. The aura may not vanish but with time it will decrease.

2. Patience:

You need to understand that they keep repeating whatever they said again and again to an extent that they get tired of it themselves but cannot help not doing so. It is just a phase that they will come out of  it on their own but right now they really need to take it out especially if she is a woman/girl. The best help you can give is by being there if you cannot make them look forward, be there until they takeout every last bit of the reason why it hurts. The better they take it out the sooner they heal and are able to move one. They will feel much better. This will be hard for you because at times they just won't open up crediting to their experiences and it might actually take forever for it to happen. They will not make sense in this phase so you really need to have patience with them. You should understand that they aren't just going to be normal the other day and start loving you, it will take time to over come all the hurt, the insecurities to start again even if it is with the same person or new. This insecurities stay long even after he/she has started loving you, that is why you need to keep assuring her. It takes a strong person to actually hold on to a broken heart.

3. Assurance:

In this phase all they end up doing is directing all the negativity towards themselves and end up feeling worse. You need to provide constant assurance that she/he is more than what they think they are. Keep reminding them of all the good attributes about them, their achievements, keep assuring them that they will make through it. Make them feel good about themselves, encourage them, tell them there is something better waiting for them, read them motivating quotes, let them read on similar experiences shared by others so that they know they aren't the only one suffering (but do not tell them this let them understand it on their own). People everywhere are actually suffering from one thing or another. Assure that there are people who will never leave, like you or their family, close friends and let them know how much they mean to you all.

4. Love:

Here, loving will be so much difficult as you know that they are like empty cups and in order to fill them you have to fill them and on other hand you end up getting empty. So you need to take time for yourself to fill yourself and give them again. You cannot run away at this point, they really need you though they themselves never tell you because they don't even realize that at this moment. Its hard to make them trust someone new after what they have went through, or bring back faith in love, life or themselves when they have seen their world crashing in front of them. It will take time and a strong determination. You are at the opening and they are in dark pit, some grab your hand and come out some just do not and you have to wait way longer then you thought. You might want to give up at a point where you keep feeling like you are the only one loving but before giving up do think why you were here in the first place, this is the time they need you the most. 

5. Stay strong:

You have to be this strong savior because you never know when they are going to break down, or when they get anxiety attacks and just start being scared or just have an emotional outburst. They never mean to do that on their own it just happens. So you need to be strong for them as well.

6. Acceptance:

Acceptance gives them motivation to come back to their real self. Do not judge them for what was there in their past. Let them talk about it just hear when they tell with no judgement. If you cannot accept them with their past I strongly suggest you not to come in their life, someone who will accept them fully will come sooner or later because when you cannot accept them they will end up getting more hurt in future. They have already suffered so don't hold their hand if you are going to leave them in mid way.

7. Help in disguise:

Reach your hand out for help only when you really mean it because when you do show that you are actually trying to help them or do them a favor, may make them feel like a burden to you and might resist all the help and support and never come out of it. So be there without trying to prove that you are there because they need to be saved. 

8. Expectation:

What hurts the most is you expecting them to love you back, to give back when they are in this phase, they surely will once out of it but they just want to be loved, to be cared for, treated well when they were made to feel unworthy by someone else. Try to understand them, they might push you away or may be cling on to you too much. Keep the level of expectation to the minimum.
They will love when they heal, do not force them or expect that all that you put in will show results at times it takes way to long.